Short Update on Life in an Open Marriage


My wife Paula just called me. I’m working today and so is she. 

It seems one of the guy’s she’s dating came up to her store (she works for Victoria’s Secret) and brought coffee and muffins for the whole staff.   I asked her if she had to explain who he was since they all know me. She said no.  All who know her well are aware that she has an open marriage. One of the new girls asked if that was her secret admirer and Paula just said “not so secret anymore.”

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Updates on the Life and Love in an Open-Polyamorous Marriage


This is the first of what will be many posts about Mr. & Mrs. Barbarian’s Polyamorous life.

First, I’ll give a brief background.    Mrs. Barbarian and I were married in 1986, long before we became open barbarian heretics.  We had not had premarital sex because we believed that to be morally wrong.  What we found quickly after our marriage was that we had very different expectations of sex in marriage.   She wanted quantity. Daily was her expected minimum and several times daily was preferred. Though some men would think this was heaven, I wasn’t made that way. I’ve always been more about the quality rather than quaintly.  For just routine sex, a few times a week has always been fine for me, even in my 20’s.  She didn’t (doesn’t) care about variety or surroundings; she just liked the services of a stiff penis and/or soft tongue as often as she could get it.   This created tension with in the first week.  In retrospect, had we believed that sex was a normal and wholesome part of the courtship (as we do now), it is likely we would not have gotten married due to this fundamental incompatibility.

It took me almost 5 years to come to the answer that, for her to be happily married to me, she needed the freedom to get sexual satisfaction from people other than me.   So, in the early 90’s I told her she was free to take a lover.  It took until 1996 before she was both ready and had the right opportunity. In the intervening time, nearly 17 years, she has had sex with around 100 men and women. Some were just “flings” others were deeply loving relationships, lasting for years.   Although at first glance, 100 sexual partners may seem a lot, if you work that out over 17 years it is not so many, a hand full a year. Over the same period of time I have has less than half as many sexual partners, and until the past year, they were almost always part of her relationships, with me just joining in.  Things have changed in the last year or so, but that is another story.

The key concept about our open marriage has not been that she does have sex with other people all the time, it is that she can have sex with other people whenever she chooses to.   That distinction is important, because over 17 years there is a lot of life. There are a number of years when we were not sexual with anyone but each other and more than one year in which she had more than two dozen sexual partners.  We were raising family, pursing education, caring for aging parents and just living our life. So there have been hot times and cold times, but in the background there was never a time when if she met a man (or woman) who hit her in just the right way that excited her libido, she couldn’t have sex with them if she choose.  That is the true nature of an open marriage.

There are many fun and erotic stories over those years, and and few stories of difficulty, that I will be sharing on this blog as time goes by. But today I just want to make an update on what happened this week.

We are in the mitst of a “hot period”.  In the last month she’s been out with 3 different men. We had a terrific threesome with one man and it was going great till we found out that his claim that his wife was cool with him having sex with us was not true and we got some hostile threats. So that relationship ended. She’s had hot make out sessions in her car with one guy 3 times in three weeks, where though she’s gotten practically naked and he’s brought her to over a dozen orgasms with his fingers, they have not had intercourse yet.   And last night we met with yet a third guy.

Mrs. Barbarian was so sweet.  Yesterday she calls me at work and asked me to meet with her a man she was meeting for dinner; a middle-aged divorced MBA.   So we have dinner, he was very polite…a grandfather perhaps in his mid-late 50’s.  Just dinner was not big deal, pleasant, but I wasn’t turned off or impressed. As always it would be her call whether this went forward to another date, or more. The vast majority of men, women or couples that she or we initially meet with never materialize into a friendship or sexual relationship.   

Since we’d both come from work to meet and my “creep detector” had not gone off, I was able to leave them to have someone on one time after dinner.    She arrived back at our home perhaps 30 minutes after I had and asked what I thought.  I told her that he was nice. Then she surprised me when she asks if I thought he’d be a good playmate for me.

Now, she’s known I was interested sexually in men for over a decade, and she’s been very encouraging for me to explore that interest; after all she is a full bisexual who is equally happy in relationships or in bed with women or men.  It has only been in the past year I have had a series of 3-somes where I’ve had oral sex with the man as well as the woman that has led me to self-identify as bisexual. So, last night, she told me that she had specifically set up the date because he was bisexual and thought I might like him.  Now how sweet is that of her.   How could I ask for a nicer wife?

This is the way we live.  It’s not a one off experiment, but a way of life. We wouldn’t want to live any other way.

Of Enjoying Your Sexuality; or “Go out and fuck your brains out”


 

Years ago I recall a Playboy Magazine cartoon by Erich Sokol I think.  On it an elderly lady was sitting on a park bench talking to a young girl in a miniskirt (this was in like 1972 or so), and the old women says “Don’t make the mistake I did, Go out there and fuck your brains out.”

Of course in the day, it was a particularly jarring idea that old women had ever thought of recreational sex.  That toon stuck in my head, and here 40 years later I still remember it.

Life is a one way street.  One may project what ones future will be like or one might reminisce about what ones past was like; however, one my never go back and actually relive the past.   I, like so many people, have tried to do the next best thing by recording in words and paper some of the most pleasant events.  Why are weddings and birthdays and vacations so well documented in photos and videos? Because we like to relive in our minds those happy moments.

My home computer has a pair of large monitors hooked up to it. I use one for navigation and such and the other for word processing.  I’ve been working in the evenings at edits on my great “socio-political novel” and so the second monitor has just been showing photos.  Yesterday I changed my Windows wall paper collection to a directory called “beach fun”, it is a collection of about 400 of our family beach photos.  Now, our family beach photos are more interesting than most, in about half of them mom appears either topless or nude on the beach. These photos were primarily taken from 1999-2005 when the kids were in elementary school and mom was absolutely stunning looking (not to say she’s not a beautiful 52 year-old).   Many of the photos that came up on the right screen I had not seen in years. Several times I just stopped and looked at how beautiful she looked.  One in particular,  was a waist up photo on a bright sunny pubic beach.  She was covered in coconut oil causing her bare breasts so shine.   If I didn’t have the photo I’m not sure I would believe boring old me ever could have a wife that looked that amazing.  

Perhaps the most striking thing is that in those photos she was in her early to mid- 40’s, not her teens or 20’s.  We, like many people, did not break free of the puritanical codes until we were in our late 30’s.

I got married at 24 as a virgin, and she at 25 had only one sexual partner.  We were told that sex before marriage was a sin and so we both spent our most sexually potent years fighting our bodies. Sexuality was a curse and cause of pain and frustration in our teens all the way up to our wedding day.   Even that didn’t end the frustration, for it was not too long after that the mismatch between her sex needs and mine frustrated both of us for the next ten years until she took her first lover.  

So for 20 years we bought into the sex negative approach that sex outside monogamous marriage was inherently wrong.  For 20 years our sexually was a source of pain and frustration when it could have been a source of pleasure and fulfillment.   We know what works for us.  She has a date tonight and a possible hotel rendezvous with another man later this week.  She is ever so happy with her new lovers and I am equally happy with her happiness and occasionally joining her and her lovers in bed.

The only sad thing is that we listened to the wrong people and now 16 years into this lifestyle we are in our 50’s (with all the baggage age brings) rather than our 30’s.  

We can’t go back and reclaim those years. We can’t , as much as we might like to be that young couple on the nude beach at Hedo who can sun all day and fuck new friends all night, then do it again the next day fresh and ready to go.  We just can’t do it now.

I don’t bemoan that fact (very much).  Truth is we have had a great life; however, we did not raise our kids to think sexuality is to be put in a box.  After all,  they are also in those family photos with mom on the beach nude or topless.  

All people should be free to enjoy their sexuality from the later teen years forward in all its variations and glory.  We can’t be teenagers or twenty-something’s again, but we have for years encouraged those who are to wring out every pleasure their young lives have to offer.

So ….. if you are younger than my wife and I, we endorse the advice in that cartoon,  “Don’t make the mistake I did, go out and fuck your brains out.”  …… and may we add, take pictures.

Dream the Impossible Dream


Back in the days when Dane was a closet barbarian, I had already left the Christian orthodoxy far behind, even while working for a large evangelical organization and preaching in dozens of churches.  In an early post (A New Look at Christian Sexuality) , I posited a new morality based on focusing on the needs of others rather than a set of behavioral rules.  Though presented more directly in my blog, it was originally developed as a sermon I used many times.  Only once did I get called on it being the challenge to the conservative Christianity that it was.

A second sermon I used quite a bit was just as heretical, but again, not openly so.  Anyone who knew much about existentialism would have identified it as an attack on the supernatural determinism of Christianity; however, I was never called on it.

I was tired of Christians being sold on different forms of prosperity gospel theology: you obey God’s rules and your life will prosper.  A life built on this belief will surely only end in bitter disappointment.  Equally disturbing was the belief that there is some cosmic plan and all the events of our lives are part and if we play our role well, then we get some eternal reward someday. A life built on that brand of selfishness will not yield happiness, but the despair of longing.  Both of these beliefs lead to disappointment and misery.

People should not look to outside things to bring personal fulfillment, we find our own meaning and fulfillment by living a life of ethics and meaning. Not meaning based on what we achieve, but in our efforts to help those we find around us.  If I live for fame, or money, or respect or even comfort I give others and circumstances far too much power over me.  The parable of the good Samaritan, was the model, and it was given when Jesus was asked about what was the ultimate rule of God.   The good Samaritan rendered aid to one he found in his way. He did not give thought for repayment or appreciation. He helped because that is who he was. He was living out his image of self and his personal meaning. Thus living, we can find fulfillment in a world of chaos and suffering.

So said Jesus and so says The Barbarian

In my sermons I would end with the story of Don Quixote and used the lyrics from the theme song from the Broadway play based on the book.
To dream … the impossible dream …
To fight … the unbeatable foe …
To bear … with unbearable sorrow …
To run … where the brave dare not go …
To right … the unrightable wrong …
To love … pure and chaste from afar …
To try … when your arms are too weary …
To reach … the unreachable star …

This is my quest, to follow that star …
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far …
To fight for the right, without question or pause …
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause …

And I know if I’ll only be true, to this glorious quest,
That my heart will lie will lie peaceful and calm,
when I’m laid to my rest …
And the world will be better for this:
That one man, scorned and covered with scars,
Still strove, with his last ounce of courage,
To reach … the unreachable star …

 

I have always fancied myself a bit of a Don Quixote.